One year on

I’ve been quiet in the run up and after Rory’s anniversary, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.  Part of me couldn’t believe that a whole year had passed since he died and the other part felt it had been a decade since it happened.  A few days before his day I went to our local craft store to buy some bits to make him a card (they don’t make cards to send to your baby on their anniversary so we Angel parents are left to improvise). As I was wandering around the store I saw a birthday card display, my eyes were drawn to the blue 1st birthday section and I thought that if things had gone well I’d be buying one of them rather than making my own card, and then I thought that actually I wouldn’t be buying one of those cards in March as Rory’s birthday was supposed to be in July, and to me that is when is birthday will always be. People don’t really understand my attachment to July but it is what it is and for that reason I could not call 13 March Rory’s birthday as it wasn’t supposed to be the day he was born and he died. Messed up logic but hopefully you get my point. 

Summer babies old and new will always be a reminder of what we missed – sunny birthdays spent under a gazebo, garden games and water fights. Toby is a winter baby so all of the above are not possible. A summer birthday in the family was one of the things I was most looking forward to when we were expecting Rory. I guess it’s just another thing that I will miss about him not being here.

On Rory’s anniversary we were obviously sad but decided a nice day out was in order.  We went to Lepe beach which is about 25 mins drive from our house. It was bright and sunny and we had a gentle time playing in the sand with Toby.  We let off a balloon for Rory with a little tag attached telling him how much he was loved. Matt and Toby had fun splashing in the water until the beach ball floated away (I reckon Rory was being a cheeky little brother willing Toby to kick it further and further until it was too far.

I wouldn’t say the day was happy but it was in no shape or form as bad as I’d imagined. We had some lovely messages from family and friends and felt lots of love for us and for Rory.