Participation 

A lovely loss mama friend shared this link (below) and it resonated with me. Still Standing Magazine

Rory wasn’t stillborn but I did have to participate in his death, I couldn’t believe it when the doctor refused a c-section. I didn’t want to participate, I couldn’t believe I’d have to be ‘there’, that I’d have to take part, that I’d have to give birth naturally. I told the doctor I didn’t want to feel anything. I’m still reeling from it now. It has come up in my therapy sessions several times. I can’t shake off the horror that I had to birth a baby I knew would die. 
Henry was stillborn, we knew he would be and I still had to participate but I was prepared for it, I knew his gestation and size would mean I couldn’t have a c-section. I knew once again I’d have to take part in birthing my baby boy and he was dead. Every minute that ticked by would bring us closer to the end. This time they gave me morphine to numb the pain, it didn’t of course, you can’t numb the pain of your heart breaking.
Most days I don’t think about my labours, they are a small part of me, of my baby boys; however when I’m doing the most mundane of tasks, usually when I’m driving in my car, the realisation that I birthed two babies and they died, they actually died and I had to participate in that, it simply hits me. I cannot believe that it happened, then of course I remember that it did happen, it happened twice and there’s nothing I could do to not be there.