Sunshines, Angels and Rainbows

This sums up my issues with loss world terminology far better than I can! The rainbow baby bit especially.

Still Standing Magazine

For the record, I don’t begrudge anyone their baby after loss but I do get a bit cross when people assume that a baby after loss will come and say (well intentioned) words to that effect to a loss parent. I am hurt when people go overboard on the rainbow shit (it’s just a baby people, calm down!) and I feel sad that other loss parents just think I’m being awkward or difficult or want to make people feel guilty about their babies when I raise the issue of babies after loss not materialising. I raise the issue to mange expectations for those new to the loss world, I raise the issue as it happened to me, I raise the issue to clarify that not everyone gets the holy grail. I also raise the point to show that actually you can have a nice life with no baby after loss in your arms.

It takes strength to parent a baby who couldn’t stay, it takes strength to try again, it takes strength to parent a baby after loss, it takes a different kind of strength to carry on without a baby in your arms knowing it will never happen.

I wish they could see me now

I’ve not posted for a while as I’ve been busy; not just busy in the usual sense of the word but also busy giving my brain time to heal after therapy sessions, busy challenging myself, busy noticing my feelings and reactions. Just busy.

Therapy is one part of my recovery jigsaw. Alongside the sessions and the noticing what I think and feel I’ve been pushing myself to deal with situations that even a couple of months ago seemed unachievable. In the past few weeks I have put myself in situations that have involved significant triggers, it has been hard but it has been ok and I have survived. It suddenly feels like everything is coming together and I’m consolidating what I am gaining from therapy, my newfound outlook, a boost in strength and courage and it is giving me a solid foundation for the future. 

I started a photo blog challenge at the start of October as it was baby loss awareness month, I lost focus and interest in it quickly and felt guilty for not doing it but upon reflection my brain didn’t have time as it was busy healing. I also realised I don’t need a photo challenge to think about and share Rory and Henry as I do it most days without even thinking. 

I’m exhausted but I am proud of what I have achieved in a fairly short time. Every little thing I’ve done in the past few weeks has been a small part of the puzzle – a session here, a play date there, looking at a baby in the supermarket, driving past a mum and pushchair and feeling ok about what I see, following a previously unfollowed friend on social media. These small things have come together and make me almost want to roar with pride. 

I still can’t do bumps, they still make my skin crawl and I panic it will touch me. It is on the list though and I will work hard to reduce the impact of this trigger.

I said to a friend recently that EMDR was life changing, and it is. I feel like the old me is returning. I know the old me won’t fully come back, but two and a half years after our first loss I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I’m proud of the achievements I have made, Matt is proud, my family are proud and my friends are proud. I even think Toby is proud of me, as proud as a 5 year old can be anyway!

To my amazing friends and family – thank you for your patience, love and kindness. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.

To Matt, Toby, Rory and Henry – thank you for making me who I am today. 

Before I finish, one thing makes me sad, I wish I could go back to all the ‘friends’ we’ve lost since Rory died and tell them what I’ve written here. 

To the ones who think I don’t like them because they had a baby, to the ones who think I’m bitter and resentful, to the ones who communicate only via Matt, to the ones who chose not to tell us their baby news, to the ones who were insensitive and got offended when called out, to the ones who just don’t get us – I am doing really well thanks (not that you asked how I was doing) and it’s your loss not having me in your life. 

This photo sort of sums me (old and new) up – a giggling crazy cat lady 😉