Grace

Day 4 of #mayweallheal #shareyourgrief

.

#grace

.

Climbing up a slide* isn’t very graceful and it takes effort to get to the top. Grief for me hasn’t always been graceful. It has been angry, painful and downright frustrating at times. The steps are easier if course and they get you to the top faster. For me, finding some grace at the top of the slide took time and it was hard work, others find the steps with ease. We all get there in the end and we all strive to carry our grief with grace.

#babyloss #pregnancyloss #grief

*This post is not endorsing slide climbing. I am one of ‘those’ parents who detests children climbing up slides 🤣

Anxiety

#anxiety Day 3 of #shareyourgrief from #mayweallheal

I have always been a bit anxious. I remember watching something about earthquakes as a child and going to bed worrying that there would be an earthquake. I recall being so upset and I couldn’t sleep. My dad had to explain that we didn’t have big scary earthquakes in this country and it would all be ok.

I get anxious about things I can’t control and sometimes it takes over – big stuff like wars, terrorists, dying. Ridiculous really.

These days my main anxieties are around new people and places and the bumps and babies they may contain. I overthink everything – will there be a baby there? Will it be a boy? Will I have to look at it? Will there be a bump? Will I have to talk to them? Will somebody ask me how many children I have? Will I have to explain my story? Will I cry? Will I have a panic attack? Will I feel uncomfortable? Do I have an escape plan? That is a lot to think about all at once!

EMDR has given me tools to help manage my anxiety – deep breathing, grounding and counting things distract me from my thoughts. More recently I’ve been using the #headspace app to meditate and it has helped massively, I don’t do it every day but I use it when I need to and it helps me to feel calmer and more in control.

I will always be a big ball of anxiety but most days I feel like I’m winning.

#babyloss #pregnancyloss #emdr #maternalmentalhealth

Beginnings

#beginnings Day two of #shareyourgrief and #mayweallheal

I am an IVF Mummy and these blobs are day 5 blastocysts, these are the first photos we have of our three baby boys. Beautiful sparks of life with so much potential. Not many people get to see these photos. Toby’s is at the top, we had two embryos transferred, both stuck but only Toby went on to grow and develop. I never gave that other blob another thought until we lost Rory (bottom left blob). I wondered what it might have been like as an instant family of four, I wonder that a lot now. What if.

Henry (bottom left) was from the same batch as Rory. 7 IVFs, 3 babies, only 1 could stay – so much potential for new beginnings.

Infertility took away my freedom and choices in making a baby. I grieve for the chance to just get knocked up, I grieve for the loss of my DNA being passed on (I’m a donor egg recipient), I grieve for my womb which rejected two babies. But I am grateful for the beginnings, I became a Mother when I started trying for a baby – I nurtured my body and my soul. Toby made me a Mummy when he was born. Rory and Henry made me a tough Mama. Beginnings are fragile, they are wonderful, they are exciting and I’ve learned that you don’t always finish where you expected to when you began.

#infertility #babyloss #pregnancyloss #donoreggivf #preeclampsia #chi

Sunrise

#sunrise day one of May We All Heal’s #shareyourgrief

I never get up early enough for sunrise but the sun was shining bright this morning. The sun rising for a new day, a new challenge. Today I visited a venue some of our staff are volunteering at this summer. The speaker talked of not being able to change the past, but starting each day anew as that day CAN be changed. It resonated. This is how I’ve been trying to think. Her words confirmed what I’m doing is right.

#babyloss #pregnancyloss #beingmyownrainbow #newday #ptsd #trauma

Maternal Mental Health Week

This week is all about maternal mental health! A lot of the posts I’ve seen focus on post natal depression, but maternal mental health is so much more than that.

I’ve always been anxious about lots of things and when Toby was born I was convinced something bad would happen, I still am if I’m honest. As a result I am your typical helicopter parent. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to climb to the top of the tallest climbing frame, I don’t care if he asks for help to get down the fireman’s pole. I like that he’s cautious as it puts my mind at ease.

I lost a lot of confidence when Toby was born. I beat myself up for feeding him formula, I compared myself to the super-mums who looked like they had their shit together and I felt pretty useless. Looking back I probably did have a touch of PND. Some days I couldn’t bare to leave the house, others I just had to escape.

When we all went back to work I felt isolated and lonely. Oh the irony of feeling lonely when you have a toddler with you all the time!

Then I found a few friends who had similar days off and I started to feel less isolated. I learnt that there was no point comparing parenting skills or children as everyone is different.

When I was pregnant with Rory I resolved my formula feeding baggage and I looked forward to joining the ‘two children club’ I’ve always felt like an outsider and finally I felt like a normal Mummy rather than the one explaining that having a sibling for Toby isn’t that simple with our history.

But then Rory died and I was thrust into a world I didn’t want to be in and I didn’t understand anything. My mental wellness went downhill fast. I was depressed and showed signs of post traumatic stress disorder. I felt isolated and I avoided many friends as I felt like an outcast.

After Henry died the little bit of mental wellness that I had diminished rapidly and I was at rock bottom. I was angry, I was depressed, I hated the world and I felt so much more isolated – isolated from my regular friends, isolated from my loss friends, isolated from my family.

I bumbled along in a fog. I was in autopilot, just existing, not living.

I knew I had PTSD, I knew I was depressed but I had no idea what to do. Counselling had helped a little bit the triggers still came thick and fast. I couldn’t get myself out of the fog, I couldn’t see a way out.

Two pregnant work colleagues, loss friends having rainbow babies, and a playground full of bumps and babies and a niece I couldn’t avoid forever meant that things came to a head this time last year. The thought of constantly avoiding triggers and feeling on edge for the rest of my life was not appealing. I needed to do something.

When I called my local IAPT service I explained that I just needed to take the edge off of my PTSD symptoms. They listened and due to the severity of my issues I was fast tracked and saw the psychotherapist within a few weeks of calling. I was so lucky that the therapist was a perinatal specialist. She understood my issues, she had empathy, she was kind, she was funny and she didn’t judge.

The EMDR therapy was hard, one of the hardest thing I have done but it paid off. My triggers are greatly reduced, I am better equipped to deal with tricky situations and lot of the shock, anger and traumatic feelings have gone. I am braver because I know I have been brave before and I know the world won’t end if I have to be in the same room as a bump or baby.

I’m still battling my symptoms, still learning how to manage situations, still challenging myself but I’m in a far better place than even 6 months ago.

I’m forever noticing how I’m reacting to triggers and how situations are making me feel. It’s fascinating and a little surprising at times.

Recently I’ve added meditation into my mental well-being toolbox. When I’m feeling anxious I do a ten minute session and it helps me to feel calmer. A few months ago I would have let the anxiety take over but now I notice it coming and I can contain it.

I realise I’m waffling a bit but I think what I’m trying to say is that there are so many facets to maternal mental health from feeling a bit anxious as a new mum, to post natal depression, to full on PTSD related to birth trauma or loss of a baby and then everything in between.

As a mum, as a sister, a daughter, an aunty and a friend I need to talk about my mental health as it’s part of me. I’m not ashamed to be part of the crazy gang and the more we talk about these things the more barriers will be broken.

As a side issue, I wonder about the dads. Should this be parental mental health week? The dads are the ones supporting their partners who might be struggling as well as caring for their children, going to work and looking after the house. Who looks out for them? Who talks about their mental health? Boys don’t talk about these things. How to we break their barriers down?

Humble

I’m feeling #humble this evening.

I’ve spent the last couple of hours trying to reclaim my lounge from a sea of debris and toys. Huffing and puffing at letting it get so messy, getting cross about Toby leaving everything everywhere but the play room. Not even wanting to go near the playroom as it just looks like a whirlwind has blown through it.

I was still huffing and then I saw Toby’s Lego and the number cubes. At first I saw more stuff to clear up. It looked messy and made my head hurt.

But then I looked properly and saw it for what it is. Toby displayed these things. He is proud of his Lego and proud of the labels he made for his number cubes.

I have so many friends who would love the mess that a 6 year old brings. I feel guilty for not seeing the debris for what it really is. Each toy, each drawing, each crisp crumb, each messy finger print is what I am so lucky to have.

The Lego and cubes and their labels can stay a little longer.

Our family in unexpected places

I was at home with my 6 year old all day today. We were waiting in for a parcel that never appeared (yay for Hermes 🙄).

In a desperate bid to entertain the small dictator we cracked open baseball on the Wii. I lost 5-0 and was advised by Toby to do some training tasks to improve my scores. Did I say he was 6?!

Ages ago Toby made up ‘Mii’ characters for lots of people he knows and he included Rory and Henry. I knew this of course but I didn’t realise that when you play baseball it puts random Miis on your team. Rory and Henry were on my team. Toby declared that Rory was really good and was miffed that he wasn’t on his team.

I know the boys aren’t here, I know they won’t ever really be here but it was nice to see their names and Mii characters on the Wii today. It was nice for us to be together. Sort of.

Dads, I need YOU!

I’m preparing a blog about Father’s Day which this year in the UK is on Sunday 17 June this year.

At the end of the piece I’d love to list baby loss Daddy’s names alongside the names of their babies.

If you would like a loss Daddy to be recognised and honoured please send me an Email or a DM in the following format:

Dad’s name – babies name(s), dad label you use.

For example:

Matt Pickett – Rory and Henry’s Daddy

Feel free to add names of living siblings if that’s applicable to your family situation and you want to include them.

I appreciate not every loss family has a ‘dad’ in the picture. With that in mind, anyone who has been like a dad to a loss baby or their family can be honoured too, including grandads! I just want to honour the unsung heroes on Father’s Day.

I look forward to receiving your requests x

If in 2015…

If in 2015 someone said to me:

Naomi, you will go to the funeral directors and you will feel so much love when you arrive, you will greet people who are life long friends with a feeling of joy in your heart, you will say hi to the vicar who looked after you twice over and tell her you are doing ok, you will eat cake with an undertaker whilst watching crazy cat videos, you will make a slightly inappropriate joke about using a coffin as a buffet table (don’t worry, they didn’t!), you won’t cry but instead you’ll laugh, you’ll feel at home and safe and part of a family you never knew you had.

If someone had said this to me this time three years ago I would have laughed and probably have told them where they could stick their stupid prophecy. Having a nice time at a funeral directors is probably unimaginable to most people, it certainly would have been to me three years ago.

Today though, all of this happened (yes, even the comment about the coffin as I am that person who says what everyone else is thinking 🤣).

Today I had the honour of attending the dedication service for the baby chapel at the funeral director who looked after our baby boys. It was such a beautiful afternoon and I left full of joy and peace that we are a part of such an amazing thing.

Lisa and Nicky work tirelessly to make things better for bereaved families, they are caring, kind, and super fun. I know that every time I’m in Eastleigh I’ll pop in to say hi and that for me will be a nice normal thing to do!

I’ve just opened my party bag, a whole dollop of love was inside. Thank you to all at A&H Rogers for a lovely afternoon and for all the support you give to people when they are at the lowest and most frightened.

Pressing Play

We had a mindfulness breakfast at work on Friday, I missed the start as I was doing the school run (not very mindful!). I arrived just as the speaker was taking about unhappy people being stuck in the rut of thinking about things that had happened, things they wished they had done, things they wanted to go back and change. She likened them to being stuck in rewind constantly going over and over stuff that couldn’t be changed. She went on to talk about those who were always looking for the next thing – the bigger house, better car, saving for a big holiday (but not getting there) and putting things off until the time was right, until they were thinner, richer, etc., almost like they were on fast forward. Both groups of people weren’t living in the present, they were too busy thinking about things in the past that they couldn’t change or planning so far ahead that it might not happen. Neither were paying any attention to the present, to the life they were living at that moment.

As she spoke, so much resonated with me. I used to be those people she spoke about but I noticed that I no longer felt that I was.

I’ve always been that planner, the person trying to keep up with those who seem to have everything and as soon as I had the thing I dreamed of I was onto the next grand plan. Never content, never happy always thinking about what I didn’t have.

Then, since Rory and Henry died (maybe more-so after Henry) I’d been stuck in the past, I spent the best part of 2 years going over things that had happened, things that were said and done, thinking about what should have happened and it was pointless. It wasn’t going to change anything or make anything better. I had just wasted time and added to my grief and unhappiness.

As I listened I realised that I still plan, I’m still impatient, that won’t change. But I am better at living in the moment and being better at being grateful for what I have.

I try not to think about the past in terms of ‘if I’d done this differently would the boys be here?’. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to think about what happened or that I’m forgetting them. It just means that I’m not reliving the past over and over because that is pointless and not a constructive use of my brain power. I still wonder what they might be doing if they were still here, or what life might have been like but I know they are daydreams.

As the speaker went on I listened, I nodded, I understood. I could identify with all of the examples.

She spoke about daily gratitude and I realised with our memory jar record of the year that we were already doing that as a family. I started it in 2017 as I wanted to end the year thinking about the good things that had happened.

Last year I won a mindfulness book. At the time I read it but I couldn’t see how mindfulness fitted in to my routine. It seemed like a chore, my head felt too full. I put the book away and carried on as usual.

I reflected on the session and I realised that to get where I am now, it was me who had to identify what needed to change and it was me who had to take action. The changes had to be mine, and for me. I thought about the mindfulness book and it sort of made sense. 5 minutes was all I needed as a minimum, surely I have that.

The thing is, whilst I’m feeling so more positive in my life, just lately I’ve been feeling more anxious. Not really about anything in particular, but I can feel the anxiety clouds looming and I want to ward them off as best I can. It could be the come down from EMDR, it could be I’m worried about stuff and I’ve not realised, I just can’t put my finger on it. What I do know is that I don’t want to hit that re-wind button. I want to be here in the present and I don’t want anxiety to get in the way.

I feel ready to try daily mindfulness again. I’ve dusted off the book, downloaded an app and I’m going to try my best. I’m going to press play.